I’ve been lonely tonight. I’ve been fighting the urge to text him and tell him that I miss him. I don’t want him to know anymore. I wonder if he even misses me at all. It’s easiest when I don’t see him, I won’t deny that. But I just want to be able to see him without it hurting. I don’t want him out of my life forever; I don’t want him to forget me.

"She" had tried so hard to forget "him". And many times "she" could almost convince herself that "she" no longer cared. But all it took was the chorus of their favorite song, the lingering permanent scent of his cologne, or the use of his favorite comeback (which she now uses) and it was right back to the beginning. No matter how much time had passed, "she" still missed the place where their fingers perfectly aligned with each others’. Memories of "him" caught "her" at the most unexpected times."He" knew "her" best, and "he loved "her" like only a first true love could. "She" didn’t know what "he" was doing now, or how often "he" thought of "her", but "she" knew "she" crossed "his" mind from time to time. Because their love was real, what they shared with each other was extraordinary.

Because he has been a major part of your life, of course you’ll miss him; it’s perfectly normal. It’s like getting a tooth pulled out; after the dentist pulls it out you’re relieved. But how many times does your tongue run itself over the spot where the tooth once was? Probably a hundred times a day.Just because it was hurting you does not mean you don’t notice it. It leaves a gap, & sometimes you see yourself missing it terribly. It’s going to take awhile, but it takes time. Should you have kept the tooth? No, because it was causing you pain. Pulling the tooth was the right decision, but it’s going to hurt.

FEELING GUILTY...

When I first broke up with him for the last time, I strongly felt that it was the best decision.However, things started to change when I realized that I won’t be seeing him for the next year and when we do meet, it’s going to be different. But the more important part is how I blame myself for this.

For the last month or two, I couldn’t help but think he was the best guy out there for me and that I was so stupid to let him go. It all started when my friend told me that she doesn’t think I will ever find anyone better than him. I was devastated and I said what I believed was true, that everything happens for a reason and God is good. I used to wholeheartedly believe that if we broke up, it’s because there is someone else that’s better suited for us out there. But he made me think that it’s not always the case during our past discussions. I’m now lead to believe that I am to blame for us and that maybe I’ve let my future husband go.

However, despite all of this, I have come to write this to help me forgive myself. I want to forgive myself because relationships are a two way street; we broke up not only because of me, but also because he let me go. Although I may have catalyzed some things, so did he. I also want to forgive myself because I have suffered too much and that deep down, I still believe that God is good and I will end up with the God-given person that suits me the most.

I want to forgive myself and let the past go because I understand that there is nothing I can do about the past, but I can let it go. I have suffered too much because I can’t forgive myself; I have become a less amiable person and I’ve also become careless about many other things. I need to let this go.

I have forgiven myself before for many reasons. I feel much better after forgiving myself because although the results of my act are still there, I no longer feel guilty or burdened. I want to be free; I want to forgive myself.